A LONG TIME AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY
THE REBEL ALLIANCE SECURED A FAMOUS VICTORY
BLASTING THE DEATH STAR OUT OF THE SKY
WITH MOMENTS TO SPARE
BUT THEIR ACTIONS CAME AT A PRICE...
EMPIRE CONTRACTS CONTAIN A NON-PAYMENT CLAUSE
ALLOWING PAYMENT TO BE WITHHELD
IN THE EVENT OF REBEL ACTION
IT IS NO SURPRISE THAT
DARTH VADER'S FORMER HOME
CAME TO BE KNOWN AS THE DEBT STAR
FOLLOWING ITS DESTRUCTION
WITH INDIVIDUALS AND COMPANIES
IN MULTIPLE SYSTEMS
FACING OVERDUE PAYMENTS FOR THEIR
WORK DONE ON THE NOW DEFUNCT
BATTLESTAR THE REBEL ALLIANCE PUT OUT
AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO APPEASE
THOSE TEMPTED BY THE
DARK SIDE OF DEBT RECOVERY....
Darth Vader - now known to many as Darth Evader for his reluctance to pay invoices on time - has fled the wreckage of the Death Star, and may now be extremely difficult to pursue.
The Rebel Alliance sympathise with contractors who feel aggrieved by the incident, which has left many facing cash flow that's about as liquid as carbonite; however, it is important to proceed with wisdom and integrity.
If you are owed money by the Galactic Empire, we would urge that you do not employ a known bounty hunter, as this could represent a conflict of interest.
You are not alone in your plight - this issue has hit at all levels, even making its presence apparent on the tax returns of the Jedi - but they sense a disturbance in the Force and advise caution in the days to come.
Known individuals who should be avoided include the bounty hunters named Boba Fett, Dengar, Bossk and Zuckuss, and the droids 4-LOM and IG-88, the latter of whom we suspect may be planning not for debt recovery, but for an all-out droid revolution.
A Fate Worse Than Debt
We would advise all unpaid creditors to exercise particular caution when considering enlisting the services of Boba Fett, who we suspect to be in cahoots with Jabba Desilijic Tiure, better known to many as Jabba the Hutt.
Jabba is known to engage in several illegal activities, and we have received reports that he has taken firm action of his own against debtors and creditors alike.
In some incidents, he has reportedly fed creditors to his pet Sarlacc, a form of torture that sees individuals become trapped and slowly digested over the course of a millennium or more.
Escape is not impossible - Fett himself was once the prisoner of one of these beasts, and was able to fight his way out of its belly - but our experience suggests Jabba's invoices are unlikely to have been paid, even in 1,000 years' time.
Use the Force
"Help me Safe Collections, you're my only hope..."
Like the Empire, we would advise unpaid contractors to strike back, and the Jedi Council and the Senate are on your side if you choose to do so.
The power of the Force is at your disposal, but only you can choose to use it, and you must believe in its ability to work for you, or you will surely fail.
Dear Disney/Lucasarts, please don't sue us! We are all massive fans of the Star Wars franchise and just wanted to do our little bit for the annual May the 4th fan day. This is a work of parody and just a little bit of fun for us (which is rare given our industry).
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